What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*