Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.