wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….