Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
mmm onion ringos
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”