Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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Stop sending me this shit.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Lmbo
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga