I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
The cashier just checked me out.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution