[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto