Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Ion see the issue
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A