Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
is this a warning or an offer?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists