Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Called it
lot going on here, legally speaking.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Always the camel, never the toe.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession