Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
choose your gary
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”