I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You Might Also Like
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
asking santa clause for nudes
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
your honor my client chooses dare
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?