the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
You Might Also Like
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
In banana years, I am bread.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER