turtles are just lizards who work in construction
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.