Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.