Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
This a good idea
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?