ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
An odd boast
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.