Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Warm pools make me nervous.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message