Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid