Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
peep davidson
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.