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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.