I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced