6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair