Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Oh boy, $150,000!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
New mindset, who dis?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.