Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.