Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
the battle rages on
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.