I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
A woman drives into a bar.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.