scrabbled eggs
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.