Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me, in DM rooms…
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license