first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.