When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Bobby pin
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
And then there were 4
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.