Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You Might Also Like
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Why am I like this?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them