Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*