Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?