OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
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if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit