Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
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Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now