just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”