I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
🤣✨#caturday
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”