Art by Pastelkatto
You Might Also Like
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked