[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
oh u like geography? name every lake
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The booster protects against what, now?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?