Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?