Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Good advice.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.