Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
quarantine day 3
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.