If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”