ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
You Might Also Like
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Aw man, but that’s the best part
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?