If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
You Might Also Like
They’re on their honeymoon
British websites use biscuits.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*