If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad