Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Generation gap…
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.