I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.