<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.